What’s the point of having a blog if I can’t ramble on about myself once in a while? I dunno, maybe there are other places to unleash my spew of words…my brain isn’t working enough for me to think of a better place so I came here.
Lately I’ve been a bit…bleagh. Just, floppy I suppose. I’ve not got much energy right now and my brain isn’t working fast enough for me to be of any use. There’s loads of stuff I want to write, some great topics rolling around in the not-so-big space in between my ears. There’s thoughts there which I haven’t the energy to make sense of, never mind the energy to write.
I think I’m sliding ever so slowly into depression. This doesn’t surprise me, depression has been around most of my life. It’s nothing new but it is a little different. It’s less of a big, dark, gloomy hole and more apathy. That doesn’t sound too bad in comparison. Still, it’s like a leech, taking away all my strength and creativity. I know the root cause (or at least I think I do), stress, lack of sleep, confusion and money worries. Usually I’m able to hold my head above the water and deal with things but right now I’m bobbing, taking on water with every dip. At least I know it wont last, either it’ll get better or it will get worse and then better. There’s hope.
In the meantime though, I’m slacking on my ‘jobs’. This blog, my facebook page and groups, twitter, I’m here but I’m not putting in the hours, the quality is dropping.
‘Be good to yourself’, ‘take time out’, ‘relax’, ‘do something else for a bit’. All good advice, but it’s not like I don’t do that stuff anyway, on the whole I’m rather selfish and lazy. Though there’s probably a good reason, I can be too hard on myself and put expectations on myself that aren’t exactly reasonable. I just refuse to admit to them, that I’m doing the best I can and that everybody deserves a break sometimes.
I have a good idea, maybe every once in a while I should just write. Come to this blog, open a new post page and just let my fingers move of their own accord. So often I come here knowing what I want to write about, I have a purpose. It feels kind of cathartic to write freely. Even if it is about myself or other random nonsense. Feel free to ignore these posts, I might mark them so people recognise them.
So, this has been me rambling on. I think I feel a bit better. Gave my fingers something to do anyway. Wonder if typing is a form of stimming haha.