Recently I’ve been thinking that I probably have Asperger’s. It’s a disorder whereby the brain is wired differently and so doesn’t work the same as people whose brain is NT (nuro-typical) or ‘normal’. It means that I have trouble understanding some things, I can’t deal with emotions the same as others and some of my reactions to situations might be seen as strange to others. I have an appointment for an assessment which will see whether I have Asperger’s or not but at the moment, from what I’ve read, it seems like a viable explanation for myself.
Anyway, in the mean time I want to write here how my mind works. I’m going to start with a hard one for me; my emotions.
I’m not dense. I feel things quite a bit, maybe too much, I don’t know. But when I do feel something it’s usually hard for me to understand what it is exactly I’m feeling, and it’s even harder for me to express my feelings, either in the form of words or actions. I feel anger, quite a bit. But anger is tiring. Often I don’t know why I am angry. It is usually short lived. The anger flares up quickly but is gone after a few minutes. After which I can’t remember why I was angry. If I try to explain my anger it comes out wrong. I kind of know what I need to say but it wither gets messed up in between brain and mouth, or what I say is wrong in some way. Most people end up thinking my anger was completely misplaced and unfounded. I’m left confused and feeling guilty for being angry, even though it makes sense to me, it doesn’t to everyone else. Then there are the things I ‘should’ feel angry about. People say I should be angry when I am bullied by others, or when people talk about me behind my back, or when people lie to me. I suppose I should. but I just don’t feel it. Instead I guess I feel sorry for those people that are so bored or lame that they feel the need to stoop to insulting others to feel better about themselves. Either that or I just don’t care.
Happiness is something I have struggled with for a while. I understand the concept, and I think I’m happy when I get a new game or book or when something good happens or is about to happen. But a lot of the I feel content and I pretend that is happiness; it’s my form of happiness.
I feel sad quite a bit but sometimes it’s more than that. I get depressed very easily. Someone can say something to me which NT people would just ignore or would only slightly focus on and I would be mentally in the corner crying. It doesn’t take much to send me into the darkness of despair. I don’t know if it is because of my Asperger’s or something else, but it’s not good. I clam up and can’t speak, inside I can be crying trying to speak and explain how I’m feeling but I am so scared and just unable to talk no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t even move. It’s like my body has frozen in place. It’s awful and I don’t know how to stop it, telling me to ‘snap out of it’ won’t work, that’s just insulting. Like telling someone with a broken leg to stop pretending and just walk. Depression is the thing I most struggle with and it’s a daily struggle. I can be in the best of moods, happy and cheerful and optimistic, then one little thing goes wrong and I’m back in the pit of despair, unable to communicate or cheer my self up.
Pride is a strange one. I very rarely feel pride, I’m not even sure what it really feels like. People say I should feel proud at accomplishing a task but all I feel is either a relief or a loss and a want to go back to when I was doing the task. Like reading a book, I don’t want the book to end because I won’t feel good about having finished the book, only sad that it has finished.
[more to come. too tired right now and so can’t be bothered finishing this at this moment in time]